Football is the name of the sport in which 22 players, 11 on each team, run mindlessly around on a huge field and try to kick a tiny ball into a huge net protected by a singular person with natural born fear of objects flying towards his or her face at enormous speed. The main point of the game is that apart from the keeper (often misnomered as the “goalie”) is the only person who is allowed to touch the ball with his or her hands. The rest of the players can only use their feet. Thereof the name “foot-ball”.

The sport played in the NFL and CFL is the one in which teams of 84 to 347 people play individually for approximately 2 minutes per game trying to move an air filled convex leather object from one end of the field to the other. The object, which in no way, shape or form resembles a ball, is most often either thrown or carried on the field. Only rarely is it kicked and then only when posed on top of a small plastic pedistal and held in place by a team mate. This last part is necessary because as the object is not a ball it cannot stand on the ground without assistance. The object of the game seems to be to look as much as possible like a cyborg and cause as much damage as possible to the opposing team as the players pile into, over or on top of the other players. Therefore the appropriate name for this sport should be “throw-object”, “carry-egg” or something similar.

According to Miriam Webster the definition of a “ball” is:

a round or roundish body or mass: as a : a spherical or ovoid body used in a game or sport <a tennis ball> —used figuratively in phrases like the ball is in your court to indicate who has the responsibility or opportunity for further action b : earth, globe c : a spherical or conical projectile; also : projectiles used in firearms d : a roundish protuberant anatomical structure (as near the tip of a human finger or toe or at the base of a thumb); especially : the part of the sole of the human foot between the toes and arch on which the main weight of the body rests in normal walking.

Clearly the object being tossed and carried around in Carry-egg does not in any way fit under the definition of “ball” and since the ball is only rarely kicked that part of the name is also a misnomer.

Thus I officially rename the “National Football League” and the “Canadian Football League” to “National Carry-egg League” or NCeL and “Canadian Carry-egg League” or CCeL. That way we can all ignore the FIFA World Cup without wondering why everyone is always talking about “sucker”s.

Latest trend in sneakers design: The “oh shit I stepped on a tube of toothpaste” look.

Well, at least you’re honest.

Phone Store Guy: The best deal available is this Rogers Anytime plan: You pay $10 for 25 minutes regarldess of when you call.

M: OK, and what happens if I don’t use all the 25 minutes in a month?

PSG: Then you need to top up your account with an additional $10 so your minutes don’t expire.

M: What?!?!?! So I have to pay even if I haven’t used up my minutes?

PSG: No, the minutes expire. You just need to top them up at the end of 30 days.

M: So you pay $10 a month then.

PSG: Yes.

M: So it’s not a pay-as-you-go plan. It’s a $10/month plan.

PSG: No, it’s pay-as-you-go.

M: But I have to pay $10/month.

PSG: Yes. Unless you top up with $100. Then your minutes last for a full year.

M: So your “pay-as-you-go” plan is actually either a “$10 per month” plan or a “$100 per year” plan.

PSG: No, it’s pay as you go.

M: And what if I have minutes left but it’s over 30 days since I last topped up?

PSG: Then your phone won’t work untill you top up $10.

M: So it’s a $10 per month plan.

PSG: No…bu..

M: Are all your misnamed “pay-as-you-go” plans scams like this one?

PSG: Yes, you have to top up all our plans. Same with our competitors.

M: I’m getting a walkie talkie.

Elevator pitch:

A new reality TV show in the same tradition as Cake Boss and Dancing With The Stars in which a camera crew follows a man around as he shops for new stuff.

Pilot episode

We meet Morgan as he wakes up in the morning and discovers that one of his computer monitors is no longer working. The cameras follow him as he spends hours surfing the internet for deals on new monitors using a flashlight to see the pages on the broken monitor.

Around mid-day we follow Morgan to lunch at Tim Horton’s where he explains why the term “bubble tea” is incorrect for a drink consisting of imitation tea and tapioca balls, especially because the “bubbles” in the tea are referred to by the tea makers as “pearls”.

After lunch Morgan visits every electronics store within a 5 kilometer radius that carries computer monitors. We follow him as he meticulously inspects each of the monitors in the store, explains to the employees that most of the monitors are not set up correctly and asks why they are showing TV shows rather than the output of a normal computer.

The ramp of the show is a lengthy discussion with a Best Buy employee about why most new monitors have reflective shiny frames rather than the traditional matte finish. Morgan explains that the shiny frames are a distraction because they cause reflections. The climax comes when the Best Buy employee points out that the new iMacs all have not only shiny frames but also a reflective screens and Morgan proves, through demonstration, that this is because Mac users are narcissistic posers more interested in their own reflections than what’s actually on the screen.

The show ends as Morgan proclaims he is going to build his own monitor and walks home to eat pineapple with pink powder.

Logically there can only be three possible explanations for this bizarre behaviour:

1. A large percentage of the staff in North American news media suffer from Archaic Numerical Coprolalia.
2. A large percentage of the staff in North American news media are secret agents for the Society of Creative Anacronism.
3. A large percentage of the staff in North American news media are paid based on the number of letters used in their transcripts, and since the word “dozen” has a quarter dozen more letters in it than the number 12 they get paid more for using it.

I blame the baker’s for this linguistic anachronistic monstrosity.

M: Do you have any aubergines?

Produce Isle Guy: Heh?

M: You know… purple bulbous thing that’s white on the inside. Aubergine.

PIG: I have no idea what you’re talkin’ aboot.

M: Right…. I’ll just go look for it myself.

Morten finds an aubergine right behind the Produce Isle Guy.

M: Here. This is an aubergine. See, it even has an aubergine colour.

PIG: Ah, an eggplant.

M: It’s an aubergine.

PIG: No, it’s an eggplant.

M: The name “eggplant” stems from a different type of plant bulb that was white. This one is the colour aubergine, thus the name “aubergine”.

PIG: Really?

M: Yes. You should change the sign.

Cashier: $29.95

M: Really?

Cashier: Well…. plus tax you know.

M: So why did you say $29.95 then?

Cashier: That’s the price before tax.

M: So the actual price is $33.65. That’s the price that should be listed.

Cashier: No, the price is $29.95.

M: Seriously, what idiot came up with the idea of listing the price before tax when everyone has to pay the after tax price anyway. It’s bordering on false advertising.

Cashier: No, the price is $29.95.

M: But I still have to pay the tax on top. So why don’t you just list the actual price instead of tricking people with this “plus tax” nonsense.

Cashier: It’s because tax is the government’s way of stealing our money.

M: Seriously? Did you go to elementary school?

Cashier: Yes. What do you mean?

M: You went to school because people like your parents paid taxes. Same reason you got your shots at the doctor’s. Same reason there’s a cop outside. Same reason the fire department comes when your house catches fire.

Cashier: What does that have to do with anything?

M: The government doesn’t “steal” your money. They use it to pay for things like education. So by not paying attention in social sciences I’d say you stole your parent’s money. Or at least wasted it. We pay taxes so that society can function. And by putting the price before tax you and everyone who sells anything in this country is implying that taxes per definition is something evil imposed on them. It’s moronic.

Cashier: The price is still $29.95

M: No, the price is $33.65. You say it’s $29.95 to make people think it’s cheaper. It’s a mean trick. And who pays over $30 for a touque anyway. Keep it.

• drunk child
• watching tv child
• not really all that into it child
• miserable child
• guilt child
• makeup child
• just for fun child
• hate child 
• dare child
• went too far child
• first date child
• new job child
• lost my job child

and of course

• Valentine’s child

Image from Google StreetView

All images from Google StreetView on Rugdeveien in Bergen, Norway.