Morten vs. Football
Monday, June 28th, 2010Not that I care, but the North American brutalization of the name of the sport whose World Cup is currently being played in South Africa is starting to get a bit annoying. So here’s a small language lesson:
Football is the name of the sport in which 22 players, 11 on each team, run mindlessly around on a huge field and try to kick a tiny ball into a huge net protected by a singular person with natural born fear of objects flying towards his or her face at enormous speed. The main point of the game is that apart from the keeper (often misnomered as the “goalie”) is the only person who is allowed to touch the ball with his or her hands. The rest of the players can only use their feet. Thereof the name “foot-ball”.
The sport played in the NFL and CFL is the one in which teams of 84 to 347 people play individually for approximately 2 minutes per game trying to move an air filled convex leather object from one end of the field to the other. The object, which in no way, shape or form resembles a ball, is most often either thrown or carried on the field. Only rarely is it kicked and then only when posed on top of a small plastic pedistal and held in place by a team mate. This last part is necessary because as the object is not a ball it cannot stand on the ground without assistance. The object of the game seems to be to look as much as possible like a cyborg and cause as much damage as possible to the opposing team as the players pile into, over or on top of the other players. Therefore the appropriate name for this sport should be “throw-object”, “carry-egg” or something similar.
According to Miriam Webster the definition of a “ball” is:
a round or roundish body or mass: as a : a spherical or ovoid body used in a game or sport <a tennis ball> —used figuratively in phrases like the ball is in your court to indicate who has the responsibility or opportunity for further action b : earth, globe c : a spherical or conical projectile; also : projectiles used in firearms d : a roundish protuberant anatomical structure (as near the tip of a human finger or toe or at the base of a thumb); especially : the part of the sole of the human foot between the toes and arch on which the main weight of the body rests in normal walking.
Clearly the object being tossed and carried around in Carry-egg does not in any way fit under the definition of “ball” and since the ball is only rarely kicked that part of the name is also a misnomer.
Thus I officially rename the “National Football League” and the “Canadian Football League” to “National Carry-egg League” or NCeL and “Canadian Carry-egg League” or CCeL. That way we can all ignore the FIFA World Cup without wondering why everyone is always talking about “sucker”s.
