Just Morten

At Save-on-Foods about 2 years ago:

M: Do you have any aubergines?

Produce Isle Guy: Heh?

M: You know… purple bulbous thing that’s white on the inside. Aubergine.

PIG: I have no idea what you’re talkin’ aboot.

M: Right…. I’ll just go look for it myself.

Morten finds an aubergine right behind the Produce Isle Guy.

M: Here. This is an aubergine. See, it even has an aubergine colour.

PIG: Ah, an eggplant.

M: It’s an aubergine.

PIG: No, it’s an eggplant.

M: The name “eggplant” stems from a different type of plant bulb that was white. This one is the colour aubergine, thus the name “aubergine”.

PIG: Really?

M: Yes. You should change the sign.

M: How much is it?

Cashier: $29.95

M: Really?

Cashier: Well…. plus tax you know.

M: So why did you say $29.95 then?

Cashier: That’s the price before tax.

M: So the actual price is $33.65. That’s the price that should be listed.

Cashier: No, the price is $29.95.

M: Seriously, what idiot came up with the idea of listing the price before tax when everyone has to pay the after tax price anyway. It’s bordering on false advertising.

Cashier: No, the price is $29.95.

M: But I still have to pay the tax on top. So why don’t you just list the actual price instead of tricking people with this “plus tax” nonsense.

Cashier: It’s because tax is the government’s way of stealing our money.

M: Seriously? Did you go to elementary school?

Cashier: Yes. What do you mean?

M: You went to school because people like your parents paid taxes. Same reason you got your shots at the doctor’s. Same reason there’s a cop outside. Same reason the fire department comes when your house catches fire.

Cashier: What does that have to do with anything?

M: The government doesn’t “steal” your money. They use it to pay for things like education. So by not paying attention in social sciences I’d say you stole your parent’s money. Or at least wasted it. We pay taxes so that society can function. And by putting the price before tax you and everyone who sells anything in this country is implying that taxes per definition is something evil imposed on them. It’s moronic.

Cashier: The price is still $29.95

M: No, the price is $33.65. You say it’s $29.95 to make people think it’s cheaper. It’s a mean trick. And who pays over $30 for a touque anyway. Keep it.

You know how when the newspaper says something like “Stripper has love child with [insert name of politician / actor here]“? If we are to accept this statement as a valid societal comment we should now all classify children based on the emotional and/or relationalstate of the parents at the time of conception.  Here are some suggestions:

• drunk child
• watching tv child
• not really all that into it child
• miserable child
• guilt child
• makeup child
• just for fun child
• hate child 
• dare child
• went too far child
• first date child
• new job child
• lost my job child

and of course

• Valentine’s child

StreetView Driver: Dum dee dum…. and turn left on Rugdeveien… HOLY SHIT I’M BEING CHASED BY TWO GUYS IN FULL DIVING GEAR!

Image from Google StreetView

All images from Google StreetView on Rugdeveien in Bergen, Norway.

H: Let me put some product in your hair.

M: I don’t think that’s a good idea. My hair is weird and normal gels and pastes make it look oily and dirty. Or I end up looking like a 16 year old with a porcupine on his head. I’m 31. Not a good message to send.

H: It’s OK. I have a wax that will work really well.

M: I doubt it. Last time someone put wax in my hair it looked like I had a pile of straw on my head. I’ll probably have to go home and wash it out immediately to avoid public ridicule.

H: I’m sure it’ll work.

Morten + wax = straw hair

In the huge pile of of self-contradictory rubbish people say the term “meteoric rise” stands out as especially rubbishy.

“Meteor” is the term used for the trail of an object falling from space and burning up in the atmosphere. If the object is big enough to actually hit the ground, but not big enough to eradicate all life on Earth, but still big enough to be found, it would be called a “meteorite“.

From this we can establish two things:

1. a meteor is something that burns up in a huge spectacular fireball never to be seen or heard from again
2. meteors fall

So, when you are saying “the meteoric rise to fame of [insert name of Apple product here]” what you are actually saying is “the fame of [insert name of Apple product here] was short, bright and ended in a huge fireball. Also my perception of time is reversed. Oh, look at that car reversing very fast away from me!”

Some dude trying to steal a real meteor

So one of my friends posts one of those silly Facebook challenge things as her status:

Go to urbandictionary.com, type in your first name, copy and paste this as your status, and put the first entry for your name under comments.

Alright. For once I’ll play along. Here’s what I got (not edited one bit):

Morten (Norwegian):

A male name. It has links to the god of roman mythology; Mars. The name Morten have connections to both “death” and “master of war”.
It can also be used when comparing someone to an Emperor, King, Übermenchen, an expert at something, or someone simply of a more advanced intelligence or a higher status. People that are too f***ing skilled can also be compared to “Morten” (in many ways!).

1. “Look at that guy, he’s a friggin’ expert!”
“Yeah! He’s so good his name must be Morten!”

2. “Oh my gawd..! Yes! Holy sh**! You’re so good. You’re just so f***ing good! I’m totally exhausted! We need to do this more often!”
“Hehe, glad to hear that. I guess you could almost call me Morten.”

M: I’d like to rent a small PA system.

PA: We have this small system here that should work fine for you.

M: How much?

PA: $24 per day.

M: That’s cheap. Can I book it for this Saturday?

PA: Sorry, you can’t book it. If you want it for Saturday you should probably rent it now.

M: It’s Monday.

PA: Yes, so you rent it now and then you keep it till Saturday and then you’re sure you have it.

M: And I return it on Sunday?

PA: No, we’re closed Sundays. You return it Monday.

M: So to ensure I have the system on Saturday I have to pay for Monday through Sunday rental? 7 days?

PA: Yes, we only have the one system so that’s the only way to make sure you get it on Saturday.

M: What about that other one that looks exactly the same?

PA: Oh, right… we have two systems. So maybe you can come back tomorrow and rent it then. That way you only have to pay for 6 days, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

M: This is rediculous.

PA: That’s how we do business.

M: OK, so if I come back on Friday and rent it I’ll have to pay for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, right? $24 per day?

PA: Yes.

M: So that’s $72 plus tax.

PA: Unless you come too late on Monday. Then it’ll be $96.

M: So you’re forcing me to pay for the Sunday because you’re not open. That doesn’t seem fair. You don’t have a weekend price or something?

PA: No. $24 per day.

M: This is rediculous.

Morten goes home and checks the website. Turns out the price for the PA is $24 per day or $52 for a week.

M: You told me it would be $24 per day but the site says I can pay $52 for a full week.

PA: You told me you wanted it for just Saturday so I gave you the daily price.

M: But if you get it for more than 2 days it makes more sense to get it for a full week.

PA: But you asked for just Saturday.

M: I’m going somewhere else.

M: After you cleaned it the shirt has several ugly stains!

DC: We’ll fix it.
1 week later

M: Where’s my shirt?

DC: Can’t find it. Come back in one week.
1 week later

M: Where’s my shirt?

DC: It got ruined in the wash. We will replace it. Come back in one week.
1 week later

M: These replacement shirts look nothing like the original!

DC: Closest match.

M: Give me money and I will buy a new shirt for myself.

DC: Sorry, replace only.

M: But my shirt was custom tailored!

DC: We will use old shirt to make alterations to the new one. Come back in two weeks.

M: I am tall, skinny and have unusually long arms. You need a special shirt to start with. It won’t work.

DC: Come back in two weeks.
4 weeks later

M: Where’s my shirt?

DC: Here. It’s a perfect match to old one.

M: Mmmmmm… doesn’t look like it to me.

DC: Yes! Take it home and try it and you’ll see it fits.
Morten takes the shirt home and tries it on. It doesn’t fit:

M: The shirt is all wrong. The arms are too short and too wide, and whatever the tailor did to the back makes it look like it was customized for He-Man or someone with wings!

DC: No no, it was matched perfectly to the old shirt.

M: Here is a second shirt I got customized with the first one. The old one and this one were identical. As you can see, the new one you made is all wrong.

DC: Go to our main location and talk to the manager.
At the main location talking to the manager:

M: Hello Manager, we talked on the phone. As you can see these two shirts are not the same.

Ma: We can fix it.

M: How? The arms are too short! And the shoulders are stitched to fit He-Man!

Ma: It is the same size shirt.

M: No it’s not. Mine is “Slim-fit” with “extra long arms”. Yours is “regular fit” with “regular” arms.

Ma: We can fix it.

M: Give me money to replace the shirt at the store I bought it and get it altered there.

Ma: But we already spent money on this shirt and got it tailored.

M: I told you it wouldn’t work because I have long arms. You insisted on doing it any way. It’s not my problem that you don’t listen to your customers.

Ma: The reason it is a different size is beacuse you washed the shirt.

M: You need to stop sniffing dry-cleaning products. The shirt is new. It still has your tailor’s paper tag stapled to the collar and the product label on the sleeve.

Ma: We can fix it.

M: Again, stop sniffing dry-cleaning products. You can’t fix it.

Ma: We already spent the money.

M: I’m calling the cops.

Ma: Go buy a new shirt. We will pay.

M: Thank you.